How to Help Your Teen Who is Going Through Depression and Anxiety

In this video Minky shares honestly telling parents - from her front row seat in the drama of depression, what kids need. We were prompted to make this video by the rising number of young teens who are struggling. At age 12, 13, 14 they are feeling lost and confused. And their parents are often just as confused. Compounding the confusion is the secrecy and shame and almost always, conflict with religion. When you feel like you don't fit on the inside you stop trying to fit in on the outside. Sometimes it seems like there is no place left for these girls. But navigating depression is like swimming through dirty water with clouded goggles. Nothing is clear. There is no path. It's just you and the elements. You and your child. The two of you and G-d. I offer here my own contribution to Minky's stunning words. A word to parents. https://youtu.be/SxJ9Sth9IdI

1. Therapy. As Minky said  - Not all therapists are equal. If your child is in therapy, it does not mean that they are getting the help they need. Don't be sacred to evaluate "is this working?"
2. Medicine. There is no shame in medicine. I have stood by as parents refused to get their children the help they needed because of their denial. Do what is necessary. On the flip side, even when medicine is prescribed, do not give up your role as the one who knows best. You are the parent. You can see if something isn't working or if the dose needs to be higher or lower. I cannot count how many times medicines have been changed as per my observations/requests. Dr's do the best they can, but they often only see your child for twenty minutes.
3. Marriage. There is no greater gift that you can give your child than that of a good marriage. At all costs, even if some thing need to slide, put your relationship first. With all the stress that illness brings, it's natural that parents experience tension.  Whatever you do , do not allow this challenge to destroy what is most precious. You need your spouse and you child needs the two of you united. It's common for kids to do some splitting, often knowing that each parent will react differently. When you find yourself on the opposite side of the fence as your spouse, be aware that this may be happening. Remind yourselves of your common goal to help your child, each in your own way.
4. Family. Depression affects everyone. When you are a parent of a child with depression you are actually also a case manager for a house full of people who are struggling. This is not your fault. This is not your child's fault. This is what G-d arranged so that your family could grow in this way.  It's not easy. Everyone needs more. Even the kids who don't say it. They need more love, more special time, more consideration for the toll their concern is taking upon them. Very often schools don't understand this. They can be less then supportive to a child whose sibling is suffering, assuming that the child themselves is okay. You and I know that they are not. What can you do for those kids? What changes does your family need to make now that the dynamic has shifted?
5. Sanity. When you love someone and they are hurting, you are hurting too. When someone you love needs that much extra, you need extra too, to be able to give to them. You need nurturing. A lot of it. Think of ways to preserve your sanity, your serenity, your spirituality. As many times as you ask yourself "What does my child need" be sure to ask yourself "What do I need?" And as I mentioned above, "As a couple, what do we need?" You may need to get away. You may need to have less guests. You may need a million things. Whatever it is, look at your needs with compassion and generosity.
6. Your Community. When it comes to mental health there is a great need for privacy. Not only because of that dreaded stigma, but simply because medical issues are personal. Still, there is a certain amount o sharing that is healthy and normal. But be warned: Do not expect other people to get it. Unless you have experienced it, you don't know the throbbing constant weight of loving some one that much and being that worried about them. Find your people who know and make them your community.
7. Your Spirituality. There is a great truth that is written in our Torah "I am with you in our pain." The gift wrap of suffering is closeness to G-d. And the present inside is the person you're becoming. I remember days and nights in hospital waiting rooms. It was surreal. In that pain. there was G-d. He is always there but never so present as when your heart is broken. Remember that He loves you and He loves your child even more than you do. You didn't cause this to happen. It had to happen. It's all part of the great destiny of your life and of your child's life. There is love everywhere you look.

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How to Help Your Teen Who is Going Through Depression and Anxiety

Depression affects everyone. When you are a parent of a child with depression you are actually also a case manager for a house full of people who are struggling. This is not your fault. This is not your child's fault. In this video Minky shares honestly telling parents - from her front row seat in the drama of depression, what kids need. We were prompted to make this video by the rising number of young teens who are struggling. At age 12, 13, 14 they are feeling lost and confused. And their parents are often just as confused. Compounding the confusion is the secrecy and shame and almost always, conflict with religion. When you feel like you don't fit on the inside you stop trying to fit in on the outside. Sometimes it seems like there is no place left for these girls. But navigating depression is like swimming through dirty water with clouded goggles. Nothing is clear. There is no path. It's just you and the elements. You and your child. The two of you and G-d. I offer here my own contribution to Minky's stunning words.To see the video..  

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Trying to Get Healthy

 

This is the original email from Leah that prompted me to ask her to make this video with me. Her conviction shines through in her writing. Keep scrolling down to see her helpful tips and delicious recipes.

Hi Rivka, I just watched your video on how the "secret" is affecting you. It really hit home for me. We've been working on our health for the past year, and now it's time to work on our thoughts. I can't wait to watch "The Secret" documentary after Shabbos.

I wanted to write to you because a lot of what you've said that you felt, I felt too when we decided that health was important to us. About a year ago, I was talking to a woman in shul, and she told me how her mother died of cancer and her father became vegan and she did too. She said that it prevents cancer among many other deceases. She recommended that I watch "Forks over Knives". I didn't believe her at the time, and really didn't want to watch it. Deep down I knew that if there was a validity to it, I and my whole family would have to change.

That documentary changed our lives, physically, mentally, and spiritually. It led us to many other documentaries and and websites, and to make many changes in our lives. We changed how we think about food, health, and our government. Meanwhile, we saw many people we know die from  preventable diseases and it was so painful to watch and know that we couldn't help them.

We see it all over. Many f us would rather suffer terrible health problems, and undergo surgeries, than to change what they eat. The desire for food is just way too strong.

We've seen so many improvements in my family and really hope that more people will awaken to a better diet. It's helped us with all of our physical issues and gave us  more alert and clear heads and more energy. I also believe that the more control you have over your tiavas (base desires) in food will help you with all the other tiavas,The better we eat, the healthier, longer, and more productive our lives will be to do mitzvos and study Torah 'til 120 IY"H.

I'm sorry for such a long e-mail. I have lots of tips to transition to a healthier diet, and a google doc with healthy recipes that we liked, if you're interested.

-Leah

Amazing info from Leah below! Including her recipes!

Some tips on Plant-based living:

The key is to change your thinking from how to get just full, to how can I maximize nutrition in everything I eat.  The best thing is you never have to count calories or restrict the amount of food you eat. I buy nutritional yeast (whole foods where they have loose grains), It has complete protein and vitamin B's and B12 which is important for vegetarians. I put in in everything. It gives a cheesy flavour. Flax or chia seeds are great egg substitute and full of omega 3's . just mix with water. We drink mostly almond milk, but there are also, soy, hemp, rice coconut, and oat milks out there. They have same amount of calcium, but it doesn't create acidosis in your system and doesn't leach calcium from your bones like regular milk does. It has fiber, but no cholesterol or saturated fat. The best tasting vegan cheese imho is Daiya cheese, it comes shredded or spreadable. It melts, stretches, and has a good flavour. Try out some new plant superfoods – Amla, Flax seeds, Chia seeds, Hemp seeds, Kale. Instead of soda or juices, try drinking iced hibiscus tea. We eat stews, quessadillas, pizza, soups, rice and tofu or beans, tempeh sandwiches, lentil burgers, pasta, cashew cheese is amazing, pancakes, use lots of mushrooms, seitan, KALE CHIPS, zucchini chips. The list is endless.

http://nutritionfacts.org is a great website with hundreds of short videos by Dr. Gregger, who talks about what food does to your body, which food is the most nutritious, and the benefits of a plant-based diet looking at the leading studies. Also watch Uprooting the Leading Causes of Death for for an all encompassing lecture by Dr. GreggerLink to my meal/recipes and google doc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1TBFTIpr7w2XeM7jR9jFTgOeW4wp7EbiXHDqvuKJKq-0/edit?usp=sharingWatch some documentaries and videos on youtube or hulu: Fork over knives Genetic Roulette Food Inc Fat, sick, and nearly dead

Poor Nutrition: A Weapon Of Mass Destruction Monsanto

Hungry For Change

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How to Check for Bugs When You Eat Romaine Lettuce and Other Vegi's

https://youtu.be/GavOzXj8O1U   This is a video all about checking for bugs. Yes, you heard right! The Torah talks all about it. It was fun making this video for you, the hard part was finding an image! With this new blog all the feature images need to be large so I take them myself. I walked outside and started looking for bugs. Minky followd behind me with a camera - talk about a good sport! Anyway, I couldn't find any bugs. I picked up a little whisp of a tree and held it up like a bug, but Minky said "It looks like a whisp of a tree."   So I walked further. It was so weird. Where were all the bugs? I saw a tiny ant here and there but that was it. A young mom was in the yard next door neighbor and she called out to me, "Are you okay? Are you looking for something?" "I'm looking for a bug." "Kids," she sang to her 4 homeschooled beauties who wants to find a bug?" They scrambled off their swings and started hunting. A half a minute later Mom calls out "Is a beetle okay?" "Sure!" I said. I looked over and there, climbing on her fingers was a BIG brown beetle. Jackpot! I screamed. It was hilarious! I was looking for  bug and she got the mother of all bugs! Woo hoo! And so, we got our picture. Anyway, enjoy the video, it's pretty informative and I welcome your feedback - not just about the Mr Universe Beetle but with any questions or comments you have about checking bugs as well.     Watch the video here!       Read more...

How to Dress Modest Bohemian

https://youtu.be/LohDUkvJE_0 I'm so happy to finally make you this video! In it you'll find tons of tips and info. I basically tell you every little secret I have about my clothing.  Oh my gosh, it's like you're coming over to my house! Welcome! I'll be honest  though, sometimes even I can't put my finger on the connection between what we wear and who we are. It all seems so silly. But then there are flashes of clarity ( usually when I get grateful Youtube comments!) when I get that it's all about our choices and how we choose to identify in this world. And that's pretty powerful stuff! Read more...

What I Wear to the Gym

After I posted the video "How to Dress Modest Bohemian" a lot people asked me to show them what I wear to the gym. So here it is: A very light (probably polyester) skirt Soft easy Yoga pants A long sleeve sportswear top. (Also soft, just a bit of Lycra) Here's a super corny picture that I took just for you. Note the sleepy eyes ( 7:30 am) and the lack of make up (free to get sweaty. And we are off!   You'll see that my sneakers didn't make it into the picture. That's because my son said they looked awful. He's right! Everything else is nice and new but my sneakers have gone on camping trips and been rained on and are pretty grungy. I thought it was pretty observant of him to notice that. And you know what it made me realize. I realized that I don't quite believe that I'm going to keep up this up. It's like I don't want to invest in myself. Even though I did buy the shirt and pants, sneakers are like a whole purchase, you know? I've had different era's of getting into shape and I'm not sure if this is an era or a fad. I'm hoping for an era ( and dreaming that it's a lifetime!) Q. Do you cover your hair during your workout? A. Yes. Q. Does your tichel fall off? A. No, I wear a no slip headband underneath it. My favorite tip is this - Bring your headband into the the shower with you and wash it after your workout. This way it always stays fresh. I have a few headbands but on a hot day instead of switching to a new one I like to wear the wet one under my tichel. It keeps me cool. Q. Do people look at you like you're weird? A. I don't know, I'm busy staring at the mile marker on the treadmill willing it to move faster. Q. Aren't you hot? A. Yes. I think  you're supposed to get hot during a workout - I might get hot a few minutes earlier, I'm not sure. Q. So when are you getting new sneakers?? A. Hmm, maybe when I keep this up for a month, I'm only two weeks in!   Read more...

Why I Love the Succulent Skills of Life Coaching

https://youtu.be/ms9vhgNpGMk No one wants to a tombstone saying "She lived a mediocre life." What we want to live life  alive and amazing. What we want is to be seen and heard and challenged and supported. We want to be excellent. We want to be unblocked. We want to change. Life Coaching is taking off. You know how therapy became the norm at some point? Where people realized that its a sign of good health to get the help that you need? Coaching is becoming like that too. People are realizing that they have only one life and they want to get the most out of it. I actually wish I knew about coaching before. Ever since I have been working with my coach, my life has gotten exponentially better. It's a huge gift. Training to be a Life Coach is a coming home. It's like visiting a place I've seen only in old photos. I'm learning so much and instead of it being new and confusing, it's old and amazing. I sit with my teachers and feel moment after moment of recognition as the words that they say match the feelings I've forever. It's just a beautiful way of being. Ah, I can go on and on, but I won't because I already went on and on in this video! I"m so excited to share it!! This video was supposed to be a Podcast ( which is why it's podcast length). I was going to video it at the same time, but I forgot to press record on the Podcast recorder! So now you have a video where I'm not looking in the camera  because  was in Podcast mode. Feel free to listen to it, like you would a Podcast. To learn more about Life Coaching  just click on the Get Coached button above and call for a free consultation. Happy Listening and have a happy day! Love, RM PS. Here is some recent feedback I've gotten. "So thankful for my coaching session with Rivka. Amazing how a single discussion can dig deep, revealing truth and pointing me towards what I knew deep down but was not living. And the timing was perfect, as shortly after the session I had a family health crisis, and the strength and perspective gained is helping me walk this difficult path." Rhonda Sloan

"Had an illuminating, uplifting and enjoyable life coaching session this morning with Rivka Malka Perlman. Seriously, I feel like my neshama just went to a full-service spa." Rivki Silver "Life Coaching has been a life altering experience for me. Not only did you offer me comfort and trust, you helped me see what was blinding me and led me to clarity. I cannot thank you enough." Tikva Seinfeld

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