Tichels for Weddings!

    I feel a little silly putting this up because its not my prettiest tichel and also because its in a bathroom! I'm trying to answer that question that I get all the time about tichels for weddings. Really folks, it's YOU who's beautiful. The tichel just lets that shine through. Add some sparkle, a ribbon or flower and that's all you need. I'm really looking forward to selling a nice collection of those sparkly additions in my upcoming store! Read more...

Elul! Episode 10 - Back to School

  School is almost here. And we wonder sometimes, "How can we do it all?" How can we prepare for the High Holidays, buy all the school supplies, get the kid's school clothes organized and be spiritually ready for Rosh Hashana. It seems so daunting. I know, I'm running around, making lists and doing errands and generally feeling like there are more things to do then fit in the day. Even if you're not in school; autumn is coming and the spirit  of transition is in the air. And I realized, just today, that all is as it should be. This order, this timing, is exactly perfect. I may want to be in a freeze frame - free from responsibilities, to learn and read and meditate and grow. But that's not what I need. Real life is where the growth is. Waking up every day, this month and every month and infusing all our actions with kindness and purpose. School starts in a week for my kids and when I saw this video, I remembered teachers. Teachers don't just show up and teach, they've been preparing all during the summer for thier class, tlka bout dedication! Teachers are so incredible, what action can I take to show my appreciation this Elul?

Who else in your life can use a note or a call?

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Elul Day 12 - Imperfect is the New Perfect

It's only because you're my good friends that I can put up a post that is just ... a post. Once a while ago I went to  a birthday party and the woman who's birthday it was gave me a blessing; "May you be able to bring together your ruchinius and your gashmius." Meaning your spirituality and your physicality. On a person's birthday their energy is particularly strong and so I thought to myself, "this must be a tailor made blessing and she sees that I'm really deficient in this area. Which was pretty bad, because I had no idea what she even meant!" When I was making this video today, her words came back to me and I understood what she meant. It's all from Hashem, every little test and annoyance; every  dish and sock, every meeting and Doctor's appointment. Every bad hair day and stomache ache and every birthday party and every good bye. Like my sister Tova says, "Life is really lifey!" We've got to just give ourselves a little shake every once in a while and remind oursleves of reality. We're being cared for by our loving Creator. He's by our side every second and He's looking out for us. And we're not in a contest. Life is a colorful, adventurous, heart tugging, exhausting, exhilerating, confusing,  amusing drama. And every bit of it is delicious. We've just got to connect the dots. Nothing just is. Everything is an opportunity. The thing is, we spend alot of effort trying to get it right. trying to get it all done. And trying to be perfect. Ok, we may say "I'm not perfect." But deep in our hearts we may want to be. My  motto: Imperfect is the new perfect."       Read more...

Why do Religious Guys Wear Black and White?

Today I have three very different stories to tell you. One about my husband, one about my son and one about the neighbors. In Orthodox jewish circles, it's pretty common that when a boy goes into ninth grade, he doesn't just go into high school, he starts Yeshiva. Yeshiva is a place where your whole day is dedicated towards learning Torah and spiritual growth. They still learn math, english, science and social studies, only later in the afternoon. It's a wonderful place - if it's a good fit for your kid. The Rabbis develop warm and caring relationships with the boys and welcome them into their lives. And its a holy place, where Torah is learned with as much enthusiasm as the basketball game that comes after it. There's lots more to say on Yeshiva and if you're curious, just ask, but actually this is just an introduction to an oddly large topic - A white shirt. Now this is not a topic in every Orthodox circle. Especially in Israel, where everyone is more casual, you'll find more color, but it is a topic in many places. In those institutions, wearing a white or light shirt and wearing dark pants is a the firm dress code. It's deeper than a dress code, really, because it's not like you take it off when you go home. Being a yeshiva student is being a Yeshiva student, not just attending Yeshiva. And so, the white/black outfit becomes the symbol for your identity. One of the benifits of  wearing black/white every day is that it frees the kids up from fashion and competition. Not unlike nuns or monks. Getting dressed no longer is a big deal, or even a deal at all. The other reason is to wear dignified, special clothes as befits a Torah scholar. Just like you'd want your lawyer to show up in a suit. It lends prestige. It seems a strange thing that such a superficial expression has taken such strong hold. Nowhere is it written in the Torah "thou shalt wear black and white." And I think that  there's a danger if we put too much attention on it. Focusing on things that are not absolute truth makes us lose our sense of balance and priorities. Parents can freak out if their kids change their dress a little and it can really turn them off from real spirituality. And conversely, kids can continue to look very religious hiding real questions of faith. On the other hand, its a uniform, a statement of identity. It's an expression of comittment and seriousness about Torah. I find it fascinating how it evokes such reactions in people, including myself, "Oh, I just love those fine yeshiva bochurim! They came and shoveled my snow in those white shirts of theirs!" Or, "Why must they always wear black and white? Don't they ever think for themselves?" I offer you these stories here as a mini montage and to shed a little light on the topic. Something to think about. Story Number One Once upon a time, my husband, Bezalel was a Yeshiva bochur (yiddish for guy). He went first to Yehiva in Baltimore and post high school, he went to Israel for a few more years of study. All that time he wore dark dress pants and a light, (though not always white) shirt. When he went to another Yeshiva, an institute of even more intense study, he began, by the advice of his Rabbi, to wear a white shirt every day. Years passed, we got married, lived in Israel for 4 1/2 years, came back to America and one day my husband shook his head."Why do I still wear a white shirt? I'm not a yeshiva guy anymore and I like color. It seems like a simple thing, but it wasn't. It turns out that though he felt grateful for his years of intense learning, he was disappointed that he was not led to a specific profession and he felt like the system let him down. (although he did get a degree from his years in Yeshiva.) He no longer identified as a Yeshiva guy. He established for himself what he felt was a healthier identity (for him) a Ben Torah. Someone who strives every day to live a Torah life and who is honest, upright and kind. Off came the white shirts, and on went a new era. An era where he would take everything he learned and synthesize it so that it could work in the world outside of Yeshiva walls and for his personality. I can't even begin to describe to you what that first shopping trip was like. Or the first time he appeared at the breakfast table in his checkered shirt. He was breaking new ground. He could have come to this place independent of a wardrobe change. He could have kept on the white shirt, as many do, and that would have been fine for some. But not for him. Now he dresses like a Ben Torah, a person of dignity. You'll find him in jeans if he's working in the yard or on a family trip, but otherwise, he's polished and pressed every day. The above story is an abbreviation of a deep struggle and process and finding your truth in an imperfect world. And the shirt was the symbol. Story Number Two A little while ago, a car pulled up in front of my house. Four teenagers got out. She, with a colorful wig, he with long hair, and 2 more in jeans and torn tank tops. The wigged girl began kissing the guy and the other guy pulled out a cigarette. My kids called me over and I went to say hi to them. After we said hello etc. I welcomed them and told them that my kids were around and if they could not do the kissing right by my yard that would be better. They understood.  Then we brought them out a mini dinner of meatballs and some cold drinks. These kids were Jewish kids who grew up in religious homes and for various reasons left observance. I felt that their hanging out in such a central location was a subconscious test. "Will people judge us and be horrible to us and give us a further reason to leave Judasim?" Their torn jeans and mini skirt  were a way of saying something much deeper. "I don't subscribe to that system anymore. This is who I am." Some of these boys had most likely worn white/black at some point in their lives. I don't think this is actually who they are but they're struggling trying to figure it out. And there's a good chance that somewhere along their journey, if they go back to school,  clean up their act, and get inspired, they'll make dress choices that are different. The above story is an abbreviation of a deep struggle and process and finding your truth in an imperfect world. And the clothes were the symbol. Story Number Three.  My son, Mortzy,  is a gymnast and an athlete. He took karate for years. He does push ups and chins ups for fun. He organizes hiking trips and camping  overnights. He breakdances.This boy does not wear dress pants! Even regular clothes have never  really worked for him. We bought  him cotton pants for school but what he really wanted to wear was nylon shorts. It was just a a few days ago when we went shopping for Yeshiva. The student handbook outlined what he needed and he had exactly nothing from the list in his wardrobe. When I showed up at the store, owned by a religious guy, and he starts pulling out pants from the rack, I stared at him incredulously. "What? This is what they wear? No way! How can he play basket ball in those? He's totally active?! And the shirts! Don't you have any more with color on them?" Mortzy told the owner," I really don't want to wear white shirts every day. Can you please give me some with designs on them?" We left the store, buying black pants, white shirts, black  shoes and bringing new meaning to the term fancy pants. I thought it was ridiculous. Then he tried it on. Black pants, white shirt. Neat and crisp. Black socks and shoes, elegant and dressed. At first I was confused, but there was no denying it. He felt great. The kid stood taller! It's been a few days and he's completely transformed. He's reached a new level of maturity and responsibility. That night I picked him up from school and I watched all the boys streaming from the building. Almost every one of them in their dress clothes and I saw before me a generation of gentlemen; Boys who spend their days looking at holy books instead of looking at girls (yes, that's universal!) and kids who are taught that their holding the torch of Judaism is not a casual thing.                                                                                                                                                                            So what does it all mean? Are white shirts just another way to conform? I know grown men, not in Yeshiva (many thousands) who only wear white shirts. They're not conforming -  to them it says."Torah study is my priority." And I know guys who grew in observance, like the guys in the video and for them, the white shirt is a badge of honor. It's something they arrive at that's a new self-definition. On the other hand it's just a shirt, you don't get a first class ticket to Heaven for wearing it. It's a little thing, a white shirt, but like I said, an oddly huge topic. 3 stories, what do you think?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         PS video posted above because those Yeshiva guys dance like my son in his white shirt! Read more...

Tipping the Scales

How much would you pay for one last piece of evidence to be submitted to your trial, that confirms your innocence? Did you ever think about how each action you take is evidence for or against your character? Read more...

Elul - Shake Out Your Pants

  I was 16, working in a sleep away camp in England when I began to collect. I had gotten a horrible call from my sister that a friend of mine's parents just split up. It turned out that her father was physically abusive and controlling and that her mother finally left him.  She told me that they needed money. With the chutzpah of a teenager, I made my rounds asking people for money. Being in the countryside meant that no one carried too much money with them. But one woman, a staff member,  who I asked, taught me a lesson I'll never forget. The camp took place in a boarding school that was empty for the summer. It was fascinating just being there. The staff slept at the end of the long hallway. I knocked on the doors and it was opened by an gracious English woman.  She welcomed me into her little bedroom. I told her that I was collecting tzedakah for a family in need. She said "Sure!" And she handed me a styrofoam cup half filled with coins. I remember being really surprised. "Isn't this money for a specific purpose? [note - Torah law - If you set aside money for a specific charity, you can't just casually switch it. Even if you just state or have a conscious thought that you'll give tzedaka, you must follow through on it.] She said "No, it's just Tzedkah. We're taught that we must give tzedakah every day." I took the cup, left the room, and emptied it's contents. I can't explain what I felt. My gears were turning. It was such an eye opening lesson! I grew up on giving. My parents live and breathe to do for others, but I always thought that you gave because people are in need. This woman taught me that you give because you need to be a giver. You give because that's called being divine. Even before you know who's recieving it, you give in your little bedroom, at the end of a long hallway, in a styrofoam cup in the English countryside. True story. This took place in Israel. A man came to visit an older woman and he saw that her bread was covered with plastic. Her books too, were covered. Everywhere he looked there were plastic tablecloths. He asked her why. She said "Because my roof is very leaky and I need to protect my stuff." The man reached into his pocket, "Here, I'm writing you a check so that you can get your roof fixed. She smiled and said "No thank you, it's geshmai bracha (rains of blessing. )" She was content. The man tried to persuade her but then gave up and left the house. Not a minute passed when she called out "Wait! I'll take the check!" "Why?" "I"ve been davening (praying) at the Kosel (Western Wall) every day for years and it pains me so that I don't have any money to give to the poor who collect there. This would give me a chance to give." Now that's called knowing the value of money! In Israel when we lived there they used to do a wonderful thing. Every couple of weeks, kids would come around with a basket for food donations. We would go in our cabinets and take out a couple of cans or bags of flour." This, they would distribute to the poor. And its' a fascinating thing how we were willing to give so much more in foodstffs then in actual money. Rabbitzen Heller explains that it's so much harder to give money because money represents potential. And we hate to part with that. When we give a jar of pickels that's all it will ever be. But when we give ten dollars it could have been anything. In some weird way, we think it could have improved our life. I want to take that concept one step further, or rather inverse it. When you buy a jar of pickles that's all it will ever be, but when you give tzedkah, the possibilites are endless, the reward is eternal. you attach yourself to the highest source and you actualize yourself as a human being. In Elul we're taught  "Repentance, prayer and charity reverse the bad decree." A good place to start is with daily giving. Get your own styrofoam cup. Make it a habit. If you want to give Tzedakah this minute, Click HERE and scroll down to press DONATE.  I'm collecting for a needy family who has been living through two years of unemployment. It would be great to get them through the holidays. Afterwards, click HERE to realize how amazing what you've just done is! all the best, Rivka Malka   Read more...

Why Didn't I Take a More Critical Approach?

  Did you get what I meant in this video about not taking a hard line? Everyone loves a guy with a big opinion. We read hot headed blogs like there's no tomorrow. And we love that someone has the guts to say what we've been thinking all along. But when it comes to spirituality, it's different. The topics we talk about here are much more subtle and have deep ramifications. I can't spew and criticize.   I mean, like my friend Rachel says. "who knows who's closer and who's further? We can't judge from appearances. And if this goes for the guy who is not wearing a yarmulka but truly is very spiritual, it most certainly goes for the religious guy who you think looks repressed. Maybe he's not. Maybe its an expression that he likes. But alas, nothing is perfect. Joe Good Guy, can he really be as spiritual as he could potentially be if he doesn't observe the Torah's mitzvos? And the religious guy, can he really be as true to himself as he needs to be if he's comfortable with that much conformity? But I've found, that consistently we are most critical of religious people. If they act out in any way, we feel ripped off, up in arms; "You faker!" It's a big responsibility wearing one of these things on your head. People have expectations, as they should! But folks, lets give other folks a break. We're all only human. We make mistakes, we struggle with the same things that everyone else does. The only difference is that we're willing to make the committment and say. "I may not be perfect but I'm going to set out to take the high road. " The problem is, that when we don't live with Hashem, we live with fear. To live with Hashem means to trust  in the greatness of every human being.  When we live with fear, instead of belief, we end up making rules, upon rules, upon rules, creating a sub culture that has nothing to do with truth.         Read more...