Where Did My Zing Go? The Dying Art of Womanhood.

Have you ever asked yourself "Where did my zing go? "Why am I so tired -  dragging through the day and my responsibilities?" You know what I mean - it's when you joke about how old you are even though you're not remotely old. And you say these jokes to make it okay that you feel so disconnected from your younger self. When was the last time you  felt simply beautiful and worthy without the voice of the inner critic interfering? When's the last time you had an awesome belly laugh? Ask yourself: Do I have friends I can confide in and relationships I can count on? Do I feel energized by life? How is my marriage? Are we basically putting up with each other, or are we in love and growing more so every day? If you had trouble answering any of these questions you are not alone. Women are struggling. We have lost our way. We are groping  in the dark for inner peace and meaningful identity. The Art of Womanhood is dying. I see it sputtering on the faces of women and in their tired postures and I feel it weakening as I interact with married couples. What is the Art of Womanhood? The Art of Womanhood is a precious knowledge best passed down from mother to daughter over the decade and a half of childhood, fed in small bites and quiet lessons. It's the knowledge of the intrinsic worth of a woman and how to nurture that worth through actions and attitudes. It’s how you put your family first by putting yourself first. It’s how you set healthy expectations without being demanding. It's how you focus on giving, on growing, on stretching for your spouse and how you grow in the process. The Art of Womanhood teaches you how to talk to a man in a way that your needs get met and he feels like a million dollars meeting them. It teaches you how to protect your femininity by staying vulnerable while not losing anything of your strength. It teaches you how to have pleasure no matter what the circumstance. The Art of Womanhood keeps you youthful even as you grow old. Today we have all but lost the Art. Modern day life is structured so that it leans towards dysfunction. Feminism threw us for a loop. With all its gifts we lost almost as much as we gained. When we fought for our rights to be in the world with (supposed) equality, we also lost our intrinsic understanding of ourselves. The chain has been broken. There is very little role modeling for the Art of Womanhood.  There is even less for the Art of Marriage. Sexual trauma is so rampant and damaging that it inhibits many women from naturally knowing what they need to know - their gifts, their beauty, the joy available in a marriage. We need help. We are missing so much and it’s not our fault.  Many of us didn't have the role modeling of happy, fulfilled women in their life. How can our mothers teach us what they themselves are struggling to learn? And for those of us who were blessed enough to have these lessons from our mothers, our work is not done. The world has changed so much. The lessons of womanhood need translating into real world examples. We have so many things coming up against us. We have tremendous pressure to live with a life standard that keeps us on a never ending hamster wheel. We have pressure to look great, keep it all together, balance a home life and work life. We are asked to be the best of both sexes all the time. Honestly, we don’t get much of a break. What would life look like if you did get a break; if you were completely relaxed and in balance? What would your marriage look like if you had the wisdom that would transform it into a romantic adventure? How would your children benefit? What would it be like to be outrageously happy? My dream is for every woman to know how infinitely beautiful and worthy she is. For her to capitalize and revel in her G-d given gifts and enjoy life. I want to see mothers who have emotional space for their children and are full of vitality. I want to see wives that feel cared for and marriages that are flourishing. And I want to see young women carry themselves like the princesses they are. The Art of Womanhood teaches you this and much more. It teaches you who you are. It teaches you how to move through life with balance. How to maintain your joyful, connected Divine self through all the upheavals of life. How be a passionate, positive woman and get the  zing back in your life so you are consistently  happy. I did not make this Art up. I learned it growing up among women who were both fully expressed and fully nurturing. There is nothing that I want more than to pass it on - to give others the gift that I was given. For years women have asked me questions about marriage and spirituality, boundaries and roles. For the first time I am answering these questions in an online public forum. Starting the first week of January I will be offering a workshop that will explore every aspect of being a woman. Drawing from the lessons of my mother and sharing from my personal journey I will teach you the art of balance and pleasure. In interactive classes we will tackle the hardest subjects and change. We will change how we think, we will change how we act and we will transform our experience of being a woman in the world.  We will go from tired to energized, confusion to clarity and have a whole bunch of good laughs along the way! To join today and reserve your spot, sign up HERE. We will learn how to: Be emotionally available but have good boundaries. Love yourself  and be there for your kids Nurture your spirituality within the daily demands. Respect men and be appropriately embrace our feminine role. Love your body. Take your relationships to a new level. Have self worth but not be selfish. Live life as a giver but not lose yourself in the process. Embrace your femininity beyond what Western culture tells you that is. I am so grateful to be bringing this to you! I look forward to hearing your feedback, to having you join the class and to your thoughts on the Art of Womanhood. What do you think is lacking? What do you think that women need to hear? Read more...

The Shabbos Project

https://youtu.be/MAWPka42odw Sometimes I have so much going on that its hard to capture it all in words. So I end up not posting. Which is nuts because there's so much to write about! Instead I recapped for you in this video that I took the day after the event. In the video link you'll get to see the movement that took over my life for the past month. In an unparalleled act of unity over 1 million people kept shabbos together all around the world. The prelude to this was The Great Challah Bake. Go Google it - you won't believe your eyes. Pictures and videos of thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of women all around the world baking challah together. Or look up the Shabbos Project on YouTube - It's unbelievable what they've accomplished.(Plus, you'll get to hear Paula Abdul saying that she's keeping Shabbos!) Since quitting my job last year I have stepped down from organizing  large events. But The Challah Bake - THAT I had to do. From the minute I saw the video I knew I was going to be involved. Do you want to be inspired? Click HERE to hear about The Shabbos Project - everyone is already talking about next year!!! In the meantime, my life is divided between before the Challah Bake and After. Nothing is the same. I feel that G-d gave me an opportunity and an opening to a connection to women that was so joyous, that I must continue it. I don't know what that will look like but I'll let you know when I know . Good Shabbos, Love, Rivka Malka Read more...

My 20's 30's and 40's

  Well, I have to admit - the title of this post is a bit misleading. I'm actually not in my 40's yet. But I'm almost there... very close. The other day, my husband and I  were reflecting on life with my sister in law Tamar. She asked us where we're at, and I began musing;" We're like in our 40's. You know,  In your 20's you're figuring out 'who am I?' In your 30's, its all about 'what am I supposed to do?' And in your 40's you're finished proving yourself to the world."  I'll tell you about my 20's. My 20's were self discovery. I was newly married. Another time I'll tell you the crazy story about how I got married at 17 (!) and I was having an average of one kid a year. I was busy, I was happy. I was in a constant state of trying. Trying to be the best mother - to give all the things I supposedly didn't get (which I since found out my mother did a way better job of giving to me then I ever did giving to my children.) Trying to get the hang of housework (which took about a decade.) Trying to figure out who I was in this land of married people, but being barely out of high school myself. My lifespace and my self perception had a hard time catching up to each other. I began organizing community events, volunteering and getting involved, all with the suspicious feeling that everyone secretly thought I was a child (18, a child - imagine that!) Recently, I ran a program for twentysomethings and I was surprised to find out that they experienced the exact same insecurities as I'd experienced. Our lifestyles were light years apart: I had a been an idealistic young mom in Israel whose husband was in Yeshiva (Torah study program) all  day long, building a family. And they were getting their Masters; independent young women beginning their careers and hoping to meet a good guy. Their version of 20's looked so much more polished: they had cars and apartments and plans... Or maybe my version looked more polished with  a good  man at my side, a direction and little sweeties who called me Mommy. Who knows. But the more I got to know them, the more the questions sounded the same. I started to see that the question of "Who am I?" is part of emerging adulthood no mater which way you slice it.  There's a part of you that's proud and strong and a part that's tiny and vulnerable and wondering exactly where you fit in in this big world and if you're really an adult or is this some kind of trick you're managing to pull on people. [This is why its such an opportune time for young Jews to spend time in a Yeshiva or Israel trip. It accelerates the process ( and the end of the misery!) by literally growing people up through conversations about who are you.] Fascinating.  Then come the 30's.   By the time you get to your 30's you're an old pro. Either you've been through a couple of jobs or you are on the career path you've been planning for. You know about interviews and relationships. You've figured out that its more worthwhile to invest in a few good friends then to party with everyone. You have a few accomplishments under your belt and you kind of know who you are. The next question is "What do I do? My 30's were spent in Baltimore where we moved to after living in Israel for 4 1/2 years. We had 4 more kids here (8 all together, Thank G-d) and we were knee deep in family life. I felt good - really good. I took care of my health and eating habits. I homeschooled. I danced in the local women's performance. I got involved in synagogue life. I made tichel shows for charity and I volunteered for the local outreach center and ended up working for them. I helped my kids through elementary school and navigated their friendships and made more sleepover parties than I can count. And I was also in turmoil. I finally found out what I was good at and it was making me crazy! If I spent all day with the kids and with housework I would feel like I was exploding with the need to be creative. If I spent hours with the Young Adult Outreach group, I would feel like I needed to be home with my kids. No matter where I put my energies I would be hyper aware of all the things I was NOT doing. It was then that I wrote my four line Mission Statement, the most important line being " To put my husband and children before any outside person or cause." This line taunted me and inspired me every day from the door of my refrigerator. When I accomplished in my outreach work it would fuel me with adrenaline and I would push beyond my natural limits. I didn't want to acknowledge that I had any limits.Yet I strove to be fully present at home too. I could not reconcile how can I do the very best job at this and also the very best job at home? Unmarried thirty somethings often experience the same turmoil. This shows up in their dual desire to be married and settled on one hand and to be fabulously secure and accomplished in their career on the other. They can't find their peace. The truth emerges somewhere in the middle of the decade. You can have both but not both at the same time. Doing anything worthwhile in your 30's takes dedication and you have to be clear about what you want to dedicate yourself to. Of course there's a slight caveat to that: Life is never one thing at a time. So the challenge is to balance the doing . Most of the time both things (or all three things) are important. You can choose what you want to dedicate yourself to but you must stay open to what G-d has in mind as well. And now the 40's. I know, I know, I'm not 40 yet. But I feel like I'm in my 40's. I feel like I'm in an entirely new space. I'm not a girl anymore, I'm a woman. I'm not a Mommy of little kids, I'm a mother of 5 teenagers and 3 younger kids. I am tired. I am content. I am patient. Turmoil and conflict and overproducing and working late nights are not in me anymore. I have had enough life experiences to know that whatever is happening, however tough it is, will pass. And I know too that something new, some new test will be in it's place. I see that the Almighty is always pushing me to grow and He is endlessly creative in the obstacle course He designs for me. I am not in my 20's wondering who I am - I know what I have to offer. I'm not in my 30's (oops, yes I am ) trying to do it all. I'm in a new place a place of sweet surrender  laced with anxious grateful  prayer and a sense of Life and the grand scheme behind it. When my husband and I were talking about this we couldn't stop chuckling. It's just so funny how little you can care about things you used to obsess about. Our human limitations are so obvious we need to laugh and accept them. Last might I was supermom - getting dinner on the table and all the kids to bed at the right times. Spending quality time with each one of them for a total of four hours ( it's a lot of kids). It was a good night. I was the type of mom I dreamed of being in my 20's but unlike in my 20's when I would plan and conspire for ways to repeat that experience, I'm now simply grateful for it, knowing that every day is different and it may happen tomorrow or it may not. And that's ok. Supermom doesn't even exist - Like any superhero, she's a fantasy.  I'm not where I want to be in terms of time management and other habits that I've worked on for years; Some of my children have struggles that keep me up at night and break my heart, but inside I feel a steady glow that is comprised of all the experiences and gifts I've had up until now wrapped up with the loving care of the Almighty and I have nothing left to prove to the world.  It's funny that it took me this long to realize that I cannot do it all, I cannot do it perfectly and I cannot control the outcome. I'm just coming along for the ride doing my best. My (pseudo) 40's are all about the realization that it's not about whether you win or lose (and you can't control that) its how you play the game. I wonder what the 50's are like.                   Read more...

Singing From The Heart

  [In this pic is Batya and our next daughter Hadassa.] My daughter Batya is a composer. She's been writing songs since she's 12. Her first one was a surprise to us, then the second and the third. Soon it became apparent that there was a huge amount of music in this child. She stated with piano and moved on to the harp and now the guitar. As the years went by (she's 18 now) her vision crystallized and she began to dream of giving her music over to people in a way that would open their hearts. [It works on me, ever time she sings me a new song I start crying!] Recently she made a friend, Jenny whose voice is so soulful and whose heart is so beautiful that she brings Batya's songs to life like never before. The two of them sound like magic together. I'm so happy for her. It's unbelievable pleasure seeing your child's dreams come true. They're also getting a ton of help and encouragement from supportive musicians in our community. In this video is a clip of our 6th and 7th kids, Levi and Neshama singing Batya's latest. They had only learned it that day or the day before but I was so eager for everyone to hear it that I asked them to perform it at our Chanuka get together. You may wonder why Batya is only playing guitar and not singing.That's because part of Jewish modesty is that  men don't listen to women singing (live). In a group is okay and so is a recording, but the heart and soul that go into a live performance is a kind of intimate exposure that we save for our nearest and dearest.   In the meantime, these girls are singing their hearts out. Stay tuned for videos on their fundraising page.  inLIGHTin  has been born!             Read more...

Good Bye Wrapunzel

    Last night was Good Bye Wrapunzel night. Its a huge change but we are sure that  this will be the beginning of something incredible I can't explain it in more profound terms, we just KNOW that despite the loss, everything is going to be amazing. In preparation for this new stage we've been fixing up our house. All those places (like our torn couches) that we had ignored while we were breathlessly busy were suddenly staring up at us with pitiful eyes; "Fix me, take care of me, make me a home again."

Sorting through our books

Anyway, its been a long time in coming and it's been a  powerful cleansing process.  You may not know this, but Wrapunzel ran out of my daughters old bedroom. We painted it and put up shelves to accommodate the tichels  but it wasn't long before the shelves spilled out of the room and lined our hallways. It was a little crazy! LOTS of tichels! Now that a new era is here I feel a yearning to reclaim my space - to lavish my rooms with love and attention so that they'll hug us and hold us while we finally take some time to breathe. Its our way of making a vessel for G_d to send blessings - bring it on! ( Plus  - no more playing with tichels all day so home decorating is a wonderful art form as a replacement!)

My new writing space. ( previously the Wrapunzel room)

I look forward to more blogging and getting to share more of our life with you with all this freed up time! Love, Rivka Malka If you haven't already, come subscribe to my blog, that's where it's happening! Subscribe HERE.       Read more...

Letting Go

Today a friend shared with me some  wisdom borrowed from a Buddhist teaching. The topic was letting go, and it really stuck me deep in my core. As I listened to the simple words they resonated and vibrated deep within me and I recognized a power that I never knew that I had. The power to let go. Going through a transitional time myself it's particularly poignant, but truly it's relevant to all of us at all times: Here goes: He tells this story. " I learned something from my teacher in the way that great teachers teach. Not with many words, but a small subtle lesson that makes your world open up. I was walking with my teacher, taking a stroll, when he bent down, picked up a stick,  turned to me and asked, "Is this heavy?" I nodded. Then he threw the stick to the side "Now it isn't." It's only heavy when you hold it, but if you let it go , it's got no weight at all. Profound, simple and unforgettable.  It's only heavy when you hold it, but if you let it go , it's got no weight at all. He taught me that the  first way to uncomplicate life is to travel lightly. We carry so much around all the time. Worry and anxiety crowd our mind. We regurgitate old wounds and chew on them thinking that they'll nourish us. But they won't, they'll poison us. Imagine you had a backpack filled with big rocks and you had to carry it everywhere you went. Imagine  you just didn't know how to take it off and put it down. You'd be so grumpy; so sick. You'd be exhausted. Are you exhausted?  I don't want to be exhausted. So I need to get rid of those rocks. I need to look in there and  see what I don't need and throw it away. This is the first step in the process of letting go."What can I throw away?" You know, you can throw away so many more things than you thought you could. Nothing bad will happen, I promise. We spend so much energy  telling and retelling our most heart wrenching stories to ourselves and to others. I know I spent many years doing that,  but it's not worth it.   Until now I thought  you learn from the past. I thought I  had to hold on to it or it would have been for nothing. You don't. The lessons you learned are already a part of you. Trust that. And trust that you can be here now, alive and present, fully actualized without reliving the stories again and again and again. In fact, its even deeper. You don't learn from the past, you feel pain from it. Its just rocks on your back weighing you down with every step you take. holding you back from being happy.We can  empty our mind of those stories. If we need them to teach someone about life we can always find them again, but the bag on your back can be empty and light. I'm letting go, I'm free falling into the wonderful destiny G-d has in mind for me.  Looking ahead there are a thousand ways to give to the world and I'm bursting with excitement to give and to share. If you haven't already, come subscribe to my blog, that's where it's happening! Subscribe HERE.     Read more...

Letting Go....

Today a friend shared with me some  wisdom borrowed from a Buddhist teaching. The topic was letting go, and it really stuck me deep in my core. As I listened to the simple words they resonated and vibrated deep within me and I recognized a power that I never knew that I had. The power to let go. Going through a transitional time myself it's particularly poignant, but truly it's relevant to all of us at all times: Here goes: He tells this story. " I learned something from my teacher in the way that great teachers teach. Not with many words, but a small subtle lesson that makes your world open up. I was walking with my teacher, taking a stroll, when he bent down, picked up a stick,  turned to me and asked, "Is this heavy?" I nodded. Then he threw the stick to the side "Now it isn't." It's only heavy when you hold it, but if you let it go , it's got no weight at all. Profound, simple and unforgettable.  It's only heavy when you hold it, but if you let it go , it's got no weight at all. He taught me that the  first way to uncomplicate life is to travel lightly. We carry so much around all the time. Worry and anxiety crowd our mind. We regurgitate old wounds and chew on them thinking that they'll nourish us. But they won't, they'll poison us. Imagine you had a backpack filled with big rocks and you had to carry it everywhere you went. Imagine  you just didn't know how to take it off and put it down. You'd be so grumpy; so sick. You'd be exhausted. Are you exhausted?  I don't want to be exhausted. So I need to get rid of those rocks. I need to look in there and  see what I don't need and throw it away. This is the first step in the process of letting go."What can I throw away?" You know, you can throw away so many more things than you thought you could. Nothing bad will happen, I promise. We spend so much energy  telling and retelling our most heart wrenching stories to ourselves and to others. I know I spent many years doing that,  but it's not worth it.   Until now I thought  you learn from the past. I thought I  had to hold on to it or it would have been for nothing. You don't. The lessons you learned are already a part of you. Trust that. And trust that you can be here now, alive and present, fully actualized without reliving the stories again and again and again. In fact, its even deeper. You don't learn from the past, you feel pain from it. Its just rocks on your back weighing you down with every step you take. holding you back from being happy.We can  empty our mind of those stories. If we need them to teach someone about life we can always find them again, but the bag on your back can be empty and light. I'm letting go, I'm free falling into the wonderful destiny G-d has in mind for me.  Looking ahead there are a thousand ways to give to the world and I'm bursting with excitement to give and to share. If you haven't already, come subscribe to my blog, that's where it's happening! Subscribe HERE.     Read more...

Why We Watch the Superbowl

So, I'll be honest , I'm not a  fan of the Superbowl. (Don't throw tomatoes at me!)  But every year, the Perlman clan has the most over the top Superbowl party in the neighborhood. We started around 4 years ago. Our boys were in middle school and suddenly football was a big deal. In general we don't watch TV but the mythic proportions of Superbowl Sunday just couldn't escape them. So we decided to make something wonderful out of it. Sunday afternoon we go shopping like there's no tomorrow . We seriously get every man food out there. Then we cook all day. Wings, subs, fries, donuts oy vey. And after a day of cooking and anticipation we watch the game. Now here comes the true confessions part - I used to hate this. It was all my husbands idea and I couldn't stand what I saw as a sell-out move. We don't stand for football/American/secular culture so why are we making a whole family memory of it? But over the years I've come to see the beautiful wisdom in this. He even instituted fifteen minutes of Torah learning before the game to keep our priorities straight. And believe or not, they love it. They are teenagers, they want to watch the game. So they can either watch it with their friends in whatever environment their friends create, or they can be with us, and we can create memories and an atmosphere of love. Not only that, but my friend Rivky taught me a quote that I savor to this day. "If you want to build relationships you must be willing to invest in time well wasted. " So we're here and we're watching the Superbowl and I guess I'm getting a tiny bit bored bc I'm writing this blog post ( Seahawks are winning so far!) but in spite of my old misgivings I'm finding myself enjoying the moment. hoping you're having a great night. Love, Rivka Malka         Read more...

What it Feels Like to Paint the House.

As we sat around the Shabbos table this Friday night it was like sitting in a new home. A wave of gratitude washed over me. The walls were freshly painted and all the corners of clutter cleared out. It's actually been months now that we've been doing this painting. We thought it would take much shorter but instead it turned out to be a major life stage in itself.

Sitting with Gavriel in the Dining Room after Shabbos

Our painter ( more on him in  my next post) is moving steadily through each room of the first floor. As he gets ready to paint each room we need to move all the furniture out. With that, we end up  sorting through old books throwing out cabinets that we really don't need and generally getting things into order like they've never been before. It's tremendously cleansing. And then as he finishes each room, the color begins to sing, we put back our newly organized items and the room is transformed. There's color and there's space.

Our Living Room - nice and neat:)

You know, if you visit ancient temples and palaces in different countries they're full of woodwork and artistry. I remember when we went  Venice on our honeymoon. We walked into one of the palaces and just stood  there in the center of the room trying to figure out how they painted the ceiling.( We were young and dumb and spent all our money on an unplanned trip through Europe lugging around 30 lb of kosher food  - crazy! ) Our Holy Temple was very different. It had in it the Menorah, the Ark, the Alter and only one or two other items. Most of the central part of the Temple was empty space. Clean and simple. Space for Godliness and space for the priests to move throughout doing their job.

Cleaned up Piano

Our home is a mini Temple, a place where God lives. And there needs to be space for that Godliness. In the same way as a cluttered mind can't hold fresh ideas, a cluttered house also blocks you up. There needs to be space for ideas, space to move freely. There's a weight and guilt, like unfinished business that comes with walking by a cluttered corner again and again and not addressing it. You can get numb to it, but it's eating at you even when you're not aware. A while ago a friend of ours gave me $100 gift certificate. It was for session with this woman who is part of a popular program in Israel called Megirot ( Drawers.) The idea is to go through your drawers, with her as your coach, and to see what's inside. For example I would open up my phone book drawer in the kitchen and notice, what else do I keep in there and why? Her work went far beyond simply organizing and into  the character traits and paradigms which led to the drawer being like that. Essentially as you move through your house clearing out different areas, you also cleanup house, so to speak inside of yourself. But I wasn't ready. I had one session with her and dropped the ball. It wasn't that I was the worst housekeeper, I just couldn't commit. Read this blog post to find out more about my ever changing relationship to housework.

Peaceful Reading Corner

But now, that's exactly the work that I'm doing. I'm taking a look at our life space and what will support it and letting go of everything else. It's incredible! It's literally like getting a new lease on life. For the kids too. As always I'm reminded that these little people ( and even my teenagers) are essentially victims of me. For better of for worse, their life circumstance is largely dependent on what I as a parent do . It's a huge responsibility and it makes "The Year of the Painted House" even more weighty. Because we are all changing - for the better. This is big for them too. They need me to be invested in our home ( and by extension, in their well being.)

I feel in love with this at a thrift shop and I had it for a while knowing that one day we would have a special place to put it.

I decorated the house with a kind of wild abandon mixed with deliberate obsession. I know -  that's an oxymoron. The wild abandon was just giving in to all the colors I wanted to see, and the obsession was keeping at it until they were all there. So now we have, just on the first floor( !) ; red, brown, yellow, green, orange, burgundy, coral, beige, white and tan. Thank G-d, by a miracle it's all working.

You're looking at Sundance Yellow, Red, Brown, Orange and Green!!!

Zany but cheerful. I have so much more to say on this topic, I may make a video about it. In the meantime it's already Sunday and I hope you get to use part of this day for organizing. Doesn't it feel great when you get things in order? Read more...

Getting My Home Organized - the Tour!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hk4irUCUIbk Woo Hoo! There's nothing like the smell of clean! Okay, not every single part of my house is spotless, but who needs spotless:) What I"m going for here is a reboot - a complete reset of our family's values and habits around mess. I tend to do things all or nothing - so I'll say this as a disclaimer- even a partial reboot would be awesome. In this video I share about what it all means to me plus some organizing tips. Love, Rivka Malka   Read more...

Like Mother, Like Daughter

One thing about being a mother that never ceases to amaze me is how our kids are always watching us. Always. Their antenna is always on and picking up signals from us. Forget Mommy, I'm thinking it would be more helpful is they just called me RM. No, not Rivka Malka, that's RM for Role Model! At least that way I could remember my job here! This point was driven home to me just the other day. Since we rebooted out house, I cleaned off the front of the fridge. After I took down old A+ spelling tests and a few nice pictures I hung up a sign with some of my recent favorites. "The purpose of life is to overcome negative character traits." "The things you take for granted are the things other people are praying for." "Some people are so poor all they have is money." "I don't want to spoil the ending... but everything is going to be ok." And a few more. This Shabbos, as our guests were in the kitchen I saw one of them perusing our fridge art and we began talking about the quotes. I was saying how words are so powerful - and how I love surrounding myself with messages... (Side note - the BEST place for a positive message is the bathroom. It's like subliminal advertising. Here's the one that I grew up with: The time to be happy is now. The place to be happy is here. The way to be happy is to make others so."< I used to ponder that, wondering why the bathroom was the place to be happy! But eventually it sunk in. I'll put our bathroom poem at the end of this poem.) Anyway, on Saturday night, Neshama was coloring and she proudly handed me her art. There painstakingly written, was the following quote ( from my dear daughter who has struggled mightily in school.) "The only failure is failure to try." And then on another page "You can do it!" "Life is good!" I was stunned, delighted, "Neshama what is this? Where did you get these great quotes? What a great idea!" She answered "I heard you saying that you like quotes...." So there you have it - My quotes had been up but ONE day and she already picked it up, eager to learn from me. Neshama is only 9. Her learning is still straightforward (just ask her how she feels about juicing, she's heard me talk about it so much, she sounds like a spokeswoman) but don't be fooled. My older kids are learning too. All our kids are. They're watching with wide open eyes, how we handle stress, spills and upsets. They're watching how we respond to a phone call we're not in the mood for or to a person in need, and most of all they're watching how we treat our spouses and our own parents. So go ahead - call yourself RM,I won't mind. It's true, you are RM - embrace it - and USE it. When you're not feeling like being on your best behavior, remember those eyes on you. And when you are doing wonderful things, know that your kids see that too and just like you're awesome, they will be too! ----------------------------------------- Outside my window a new day I see And only I can determine what kind it will be It can be busy and sunny and laughing and gay Or boring and cold, unhappy and grey My own state of mind is the determining key For I am only the person I let myself ne I can be thoughtful and do all I can to help Or be selfish and just think of myself I can enjoy what I do and make it seem fun Or gripe and complain and make it hard on someone I can be patient with those who don’t understand Or belittle and hurt them as much as I can But I have faith in myself and believe what I say And I intend to make the most of TODAY! Read more...

Here I need any upcoming, past appearances.

A simple list, all this can be input on the backend under media appearances if you want to see how it works. Read more...

2 Types of Music

  There are two types of music. Those that awaken your body and those that awaken your soul. Lazer Brody's Cd Calming Waters is definitely the second type. From the title you may think its simple spa music or soothing sounds, but don't let that fool you. Calming Waters is a collection of prayers that take you to places of euphoria and yearning. I bought his Cd man years ago when he came to Baltimore to give a talk. I didn't expect it to blow me away. But there I was, folding laundry, crying, singing, aching with a happy ache , the kind you get when your soul just wants to leap out of your body but it knows it can't. Each melody has a message - it's a particular type of prayer and it's not contrived. It's not like looking at an abstract painting and then giving it a name based on what you see. No, it's more like a child whose name you don't yet know and then when you hear it, it fits perfectly. The song is the prayer, is the lesson, is the song. The one I shared here is Sandpiper.  The Sandpiper he writes is not the most beautiful bird, it's not the most graceful or agile but all day long it chirps it's happy song. Happy to be exactly what it is. Many of the melodies are quite different from this, but somehow this upbeat song took me to new heights of joy. I danced with my girls ( and anyone who walked into the house) to this tune singing https://youtu.be/Kt66g6oZmVs?list=PLzX1rAq0GGAs2d5hwa_LrDhqPA72i0tA7 "I am so happy, yes, I am so happy, I am so happy, happy to be me." I am so happy, yes I am so happy, yes I am so happy that you are you. " Try it with the music and dance a little jig. It's amazing! On the Cd he plays the Native American flute which is the flute that is most similar to the one that King David played. The sound is truly authentic. (Side Note - Lazer Brody is a dear friend of Granmother White Eagle and shares one of her tribes songs that inspired him on his cd. His  book Garden of Emunah, which has  sold millions of copies ( and which is worthy of it's own post) is popular around the world including in Indian Reservations. I get Lazer Beams in my inbox every day - short Emunah posts from Lazer Brody and this was today's which made me want to share Calming Waters with you. Dear Rabbi Lazer, Is it true that a three-year old can be highly receptive on a spiritual level? We had a maid that used to listen motivational CDs with subliminal messages and my son of 3 Immanuel  told me that he listened from that maid "ugly and scary messages" and we fired her. As a result of her CDs, he was having nightmares. I bought Calming Waters and let my son listen to the peaceful flute and nice sounds; my son insists that your CD is full of beautiful messages. The Talmud says that Hashem  ( G-d) hides secrets and prophecies with toddlers and infants. I don't mean to pry, but is my son really receptive to subtle spiritual messages? Does your CD really have spiritual messages? Thanks so much, DR from LA Dear DR, Yes, your son is very receptive, indicative of his very holy and pure soul. Make sure you give him the best Torah education imaginable. And yes, all my flute music has messages, since the melodies came to me during personal prayer, when I was speaking to Hashem at many special places all over the Land of Israel countryside. They reflect a yearning for Hashem and a desire get close to Him. That's why the melodies are so soothing to the soul. May you have much joy from all your children. Blessings always, LB  You're invited to join me on a virtual tour of Israel's countryside, with my flute in the background, right here.   Read more...

Behind The Scenes at the Healing Retreat! ( Plus Pics)

Setting up the gems!

Making new friends

“Welcome to Rivka Malka’s Dream, said Esther as we sat by the bonfire on the first night of the Retreat. Over the next few days I repeated that line many, many times – When I saw women with sketch books and watercolors sitting in clusters painting and talking; when I saw women coaching one another, healing, growing; when I saw women dancing, shaking off the stress and letting go completely - I knew I was seeing my dream. When I planned this retreat I had visions. Visions of women in circles, visions of a Paint, Wine and Dance Party, visions of sharing my story and hearing stories and rewriting the script for a stronger, lighter future. And with the help of the Almighty these visions came true. Day 1 – We set up in anticipation for the women’s arrival. Carefully we laid out the notebooks and paint like the first day of kindergarten where everything is brand new and brimming with possibilities. The table was a sea of Crayola yellow. In the other corner I set up my jewelry line. Amidst artistic vases and bronze candles I debuted the colorful treasures I’ve been holding on to. This would be the first time women would see them – Would they like them? By the end of the first day every piece but two were gone. ( I will try to have more in by Chanuka.) It was just so seamless and wonderful. There was a list of thirty descriptions “Giver, Thinker, Self Care Ambassador, Well of Wisdom, Boundary Setter, Life Embracer etc.” Each woman wrote her name on a name tag and then chose an appropriate description. Then, she crossed that word off the list leaving those who came after to choose from what was left. All of us are in some way all of these so this was a fun way to pull out a label that maybe someone hadn’t tried before. As a matter of fact Self Care Ambassador ended up being the only one left for a participant with a special needs child. What a great label to live up to!

Wiggling our toes at the Reflexology workshop

Over lunch, we introduced ourselves and spoke about why we chose the word we chose. The women shared openly and deeply. I think they surprised even themselves! It wasn’t easy to get to the Retreat. It costed money and time and missed work. There were emails and packing lists and a conference call that preceded the Retreat. I think that by the time we got there we were like fruit that had sat on the windowsill – ripe and ready to be shared. From there the day moved on. We experienced the Train of Trust with RT Schwebel moving through an exercise that challenged our capacity to be fully connected to another person. After that I spoke about the idea of rewriting your story. In fact, I shared that I was rewriting my story that minute.

The setting sun on Day 2

Getting the Circle together

Choosing out happy colors for blindfolded painting

Creative Expression

Journaling after some intense converstaion

My mother and sisters were there and it was incredible to have this healing moment with them to witness.( My mother became the Mommy of the whole Retreat. Note to self – bring her to the next one. We all need a Mommy!) I invited the women to write their stories and gave them their sacred materials – a sketch book, a journal, paint, crayons, markers and glue. Amidst gaggling and chatting one by one they dispersed, this one to the deck, this one to the couch and that one to the woods. They grouped together naturally in two’s and three’s and painted and wrote and relaxed. There was a feeling of camaraderie, of friendships that hadn’t been cemented but that were in the air waiting to be explored. There was safety and there was fun. Dinner came in the blink of an eye and then we went to the Craft Room to experience Blindfolded Painting. Oh the joy; the freedom! It was just as I had imagined it – strange, creative and liberating. The day ended with an Emunah concert by Tzirel Mitzman a NY performer who had took us through seven heavens with her music and lyrics. After that we went out to the campfire to continue singing and sharing. Day 2 started with Yoga. The Yoga room is flanked by floor to ceiling windows that overlooked the fiery autumn scene. The sunbeams flowed through the room giving it an ethereal feel and the music quietly filled the spaces. Alexis, the teacher used touch and oils as well as giving each person personal attention. She was amazing. She truly sees her work as a healing art and you could tell from everything she did. After breakfast and personal prayer time I shared with the women some Torah thoughts as it related to my personal journey. Then we began our workshop. The topic was learning the coaching skill of asking powerful questions. We practiced for a while and then paired up to continue. While they weren’t expecting to be experts in a half hour, using this skill made for rich conversation and when we regrouped to debrief many people had explored deeper areas then they had thought they would. Seeing the bonding of the group gave me chills and pleasure and with every passing moment it deepened. After lunch we went on a Wander – at the suggestion of Chaya Sarah. In a wander you set an intention of a question and then embark. You go where your feet take you, where your heart draws you – leaving the question behind and being open to whatever messages G-d, through nature , has for you. For a full hour women wandered. I had thought it would be too much for them but it wasn’t. When we came back it was clear that things had happened. In a sharing circle beneath the setting sun we spoke, we cried, we epiphany-ed together. If before people were raw now they were reborn. Those who wanted did more writing, more painting, more being. That night we partied! In one room was paint and cookie decorating with Esti. In the other was DJ Balagan with a rocking dance party! We put up LED lights and strobes and in the dark room danced like teenagers. DJ Balagan sat behind a partition so that we would have privacy and he was awesome! He had asked me “What is your vision for this party?” I said “I need music that will make middle aged women let loose.” Bam! He hit it on the nose! Song after song got us shrieking ( or maybe it was the wine) and there was a so much joy and fun that we transported to another dimension ( or maybe that was the wine!) He was amazing – and so generous – staying there until we were wiped out. Day 3 just kept getting better but I will leave you here. After all I may be doing another Retreat very soon and we need to have some surprises! I short, it was transformative, it was hilarious, it was relaxing. We are planning a Reunion already! I brought out some of the clothing from my Modest Bohemian collection that I had never showed to people before. It was awesome to see people oohing and ahhing and buying and feeling beautiful. What a gift! The women left on a high, thank G-d. They were flying with purpose and conviction and new energy to take on life’s challenges. In just three days we had been through many lifetimes together. As for me doing this Retreat was the analogy of what I wanted for each women there – to be empowered in her dreams, to be balanced in her life, to be living out her purpose and to do all that through a connection to G-d. That is what it took for me to be in a place to create this. I feel grateful for being here. I did not get to this place by myself. I had a cast of characters; coaches, mentors, my husband, etc who backed me and guided me and helped me find my voice and believed in me. I want to give that to other people. I want them to see their dreams in living color, to heal from resentment and pain and to find wholeness and peace. I want them to have happy marriages and relationships. And I want them to be huge in fulfillment. I want them to succeed. This is why I coach. I believe in people’s greatness. I want to help them get from where they are to where they want to be. I want them to be BIG and to shine. Thank you dear friends and women who came, for being a part of this dream. Without your enthusiasm there would be nothing. I am already scheming up another retreat. I will keep you posted. Until then, be in touch and lets start planning for your visions to come true. Love, Rivka Malka PS If you want to be invited to the 2016 Retreat put your info HERE and I'll add you to the list!

 

Read more...

Video Page

[vc_row][vc_column width="1/1"][vc_column_text css=".vc_custom_1425315951015{margin-top: 5px !important;margin-right: 5px !important;margin-bottom: 5px !important;margin-left: 5px !important;border-top-width: 5px !important;border-right-width: 5px !important;border-bottom-width: 5px !important;border-left-width: 5px !important;padding-top: 5px !important;padding-right: 5px !important;padding-bottom: 5px !important;padding-left: 5px !important;background-color: #ffffff !important;}"][Youtube_Channel_Gallery user="playlist" user="itsrivkamalka" videowidth="500" ratio="16x9" theme="light" color="white" autoplay="0" rel="0" showinfo="0" maxitems="50" thumbwidth="125" thumbratio="16x9" thumbcolumns="4" title="1" description="0" thumbnail_alignment="top" descriptionwordsnumber="6" link="1"][/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row] Read more...

Start Here

Welcome! I’m so happy that you’re here. I love meeting new people. If you’re on this blog you probably fall into one or more of these categories. You are a spiritual seeker of any faith You are a growing woman/man of any age You want to know how to live with joy and purpose no matter what life brings you You are insanely curious about what I’ll write! It sounds like you’re my kind of people! I believe that a life well lived is one of constant growth and giving. Part of that is knowing that there's beauty in the process; in all the ups and downs. What you’ll find here is a mash up of honest sharing and spiritual guidance, articles on marriage and child raising and the wacky or random post thrown in. Although I candidly share my love for Judaism and the wisdom it teaches, you don’t need to be Jewish to relate. We all are children of the same G-d and we’re all in it to grow. Having a large family means that I’m not a full time blogger. You can expect to hear from me a two times a week, sometimes less. But you can usually catch up with me on my Facebook page where I post a lot when I’m not here. This is a shared space. As a Jewish educator, a mom and wife, I’m open to any topic – and trust me, I’ve gotten plenty of wild questions sent my way! Send me an email, or, if you’d like there’s a special mic on the sidebar where you can send me a voice message. I’d love to hear from you “in person.” I want to know what’s on your mind. What are your struggles? What are you curious about? Sharing this dialogue opens worlds up and lets us remember that we are all one. Let’s talk about life, Judaism, spirituality, parenting, marriage or anything that’s on your mind. I’ll do my best to get back to you (after the kids are asleep!). Your questions or comments (while keeping your anonymity) may be posted in the Ask RM section. A Little About Me The first thing you should know is that there’s no “me”. There’s only we. (And my husband said “no thanks” to having a website named after him!) I grew up with parents that extended kindness to thousands of people from all walks of life. I learned to love being Jewish and to look for opportunities to give. Thank G-d, raising my kids gives me plenty of chances to do that – and they’re each a treasure. I would read any one of their blogs any day! I’m a proud Jewish mother of 8 kids and a national educator and speaker. My blog is about authentically celebrating life in all it's Divine colors. Like Michael Hyatt says, My goal in everything I do is transformation I want ppl to have some insight, some bit of information , something that moves them from where they are to a little further along in their journey. If I can be a part of that; if I can help them move forward in some way, then I'm really satisfied. To get to know me, click here, then it’s my turn to get to know you! I’m looking forward love to hear your comments questions and ideas. . Read more...

Men & Women - A Jewish View on Gender Differences

The fact that the first human was created as an androgynous being gives us much insight into male-female relationships.

To get a clear picture of the Jewish view of womanhood, we must go back to the beginning—the Torah. In the first chapter of Genesis, the Torah chooses to refer to Adam in the plural:

God created the man in His image; in the image of God He created him, male and female He created them. And God blessed them. (Genesis 1:27-28)

Why “them”? This was before the creation of Eve! The Jewish Oral Tradition provides us with a fascinating insight into this grammatical oddity. The first human, it tells us, was really an androgynous being, both male and female in one body, sophisticated and self-sufficient. But if God had created such a complete human being, why the later separation into two parts, into Adam and Eve? The answer given is that God did not want this first human creation to be alone, for it would then possess an illusion of self-sufficiency. Note that there is no word for “independence” in classical Hebrew. (What we use now, atzma’ut, is of modern vintage.) The concept of independence doesn’t exist in Jewish tradition. Aside from God, nothing and no one is really independent. Since we are supposed to ingrain into ourselves that God is the source of everything, self-sufficiency would have been a spiritual defeat. God wanted to fashion the human being into two separate people in order to create a healthy situation of dependence, yearning, and mutual giving. Human beings are not meant to be alone because then they would have no one to give to, no one to grow with, and nothing to strive for. To actualize oneself spiritually, a human being cannot be alone.

WHY NOT IDENTICAL TWINS?

But why, then, didn’t God create two identical beings? The answer is that in order to maximize giving, the recipient must be different from the giver. If the two are identical, giving can occur, but it is limited. One would give based on his or her own needs, since the receiver would have the exact same needs. To truly be a giver, the person must take into account what the receiver needs and not only what the giver wants. By giving to someone with different needs, a person is trained to think and give on terms other than his or her own. We see, then, that the separation had to be into two different beings, in order for us to learn to appreciate, love, give, and care for those unlike ourselves. This is fundamental to all moral and spiritual growth. We can also understand why God didn’t just create two beings from the start: by starting as one, we can know and feel that our life partners are our true complement, that we need them and their differences just as they need us and ours.

GENDER DIFFERENCES

The Torah is a path to self-actualization, to spiritual growth. We have seen that in order to grow, a person cannot be alone. Therefore two beings were created. To maximize growth, the beings need to be different, and so men and women were created as different beings. But what are these differences? In the creation story told in the Book of Genesis, the way in which God separates man and woman provides us with an insightful look at gender differences. We will briefly discuss here some of the most powerful of these. Note that the feminine-masculine polarities we will discuss do not apply exactly the same way to each man and woman—we were all created as unique individuals. However, what the Torah describes does exist for everyone to some degree. Interestingly enough, Adam was not split down the middle; rather, Eve was created from an internal organ: his rib. By mentioning the rib, the Torah is teaching us a principle in understanding the nature of masculine and feminine strengths, namely that feminine manifestation and strength is more internal, while the masculine focus and expression is more external. The feminine internal nature can be observed in the enormous weight women place on relationships, which by definition are personal and private. Modern psychology confirms this key distinction. The best-selling book, “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus” by Dr. John Gray, advances the idea that women are more “relationship-based” than men. This emphasis on the internal has many practical implications. While most of Judaism applies equally to men and women, including the central ideas of celebrating Shabbat and keeping kosher, not all commandments apply in the same way. The Torah’s system of spiritual achievement and happiness applies differently to the two genders. For example, women, who are more internal—and in a sense private—will usually find their direct connection to God most efficiently through private prayer. Therefore Judaism encourages them to express this through regular daily private prayer, although of course they can pray in a synagogue if they prefer. Men are more external (we see evidence of this in the world at large also, in that men are more drawn to be part of a group or team.) This is part of the masculine spiritual makeup and explains why man’s spiritual path is more related to public prayer.

INNER REASONING

The Torah also describes the process of Eve’s creation using the word vayiven, “God built.” This word shares the same Hebrew root as binah, meaning “insight” or understanding. This suggests, as it says in the Talmud, that women were created with an extra dose of wisdom and understanding. Binah is much greater than “women’s intuition”—it means the ability to enter something and understand it from the inside—what has been called “inner reasoning.” Men tend to have more of what is called da’at, an understanding which comes from the outside, a type of understanding which tends to be more connected to facts and figures. Society loses an enormous asset when only one of these intellectual aspects is valued. Just as two eyes make our view of things more accurate, seeing things from the two different male and female perspectives makes our understanding of life more complete. Note that modern science supports Judaism’s age-old contention that men and women’s minds work differently. A case in point is research by Ralph Holloway and Christine de Lacoste-Utamsing, Jeanette McGlone, and Doreen Kimura. (See M. Kaufman’s “Feminism and Judaism” for a comprehensive summary.) This research has proven beyond a doubt that men and women’s brains are physically quite different. Not surprisingly, social scientists are looking more and more to physiology as the source of different behaviors and ways of thinking, as well as a determining factor in areas of interest and excellence.

EQUAL BUT DIFFERENT

Gender is a pivotal quality in each person’s identity. Men and women are fully equal but different—and that difference is good. With their own unique talents and natures they can give to one another and help each other along the road of life. God, in His infinite wisdom, created humans as two distinct genders in order to enable them to complement and fulfill each other. Each gender should appreciate and use its special strengths. Since the genders are different, it would be counterproductive to force them to conduct themselves identically—what helps a man won’t necessarily help a woman and vice versa. King Solomon’s beautiful poem Eishes Chayil, “A Woman of Valor,” describes all the different roles a woman can play, including teacher, businesswoman, mother, wife—but all of them as a woman. When a person is asked what she does, she often responds by naming her career. But the truth is that we are not merely doctors, engineers, secretaries, educators. We are human beings trying to fulfill our unique potential. By giving her the tools to grow morally and spiritually while maximizing her unique strengths, the Torah frees a woman to be herself with self-esteem and joy—and no apologies.

by  Rebbetzin Tzipporah Heller

  Read more...

Feminism and Judaism

Modern Feminism quickly atrophied into “Careerism,” which left us with a society in which women’s contributions are unrecognized by men and, more painfully, by women themselves.

---

Three decades of feminism have left women with a new version of the quip: If you’re so liberated, why aren’t you happy? Women at the advent of the new millennium have higher salaries, more corporate power, and more career choices. We also have more divorces, more custody battles, more childcare crises, and—if the truth be told—more conflict about who we really are and what we really want. We want to be whole. We want it all. We want to be women while actualizing the full range of our potentials. And we should—we were made to strive for completion. Judaism believes in wholeness, in the valid claims of contrasting aspects:

in being part of a society while remaining a unique people; in being part of a community while maintaining one’s individuality; in being a full-fledged part of the world while also being a woman.

Before focusing specifically on the Jewish view of how women can flourish in modern society without experiencing conflict, let us look at contemporary reality.

THE RISE AND FALL OF THE HAPPY HOMEMAKER

We of the Western world have just invested about 30 years in rebelling against the advertising industry’s “Happy Homemaker” feminine ideal. The Happy Homemaker was the coiffured blond-haired, ever-smiling, empty-headed female whose sole pleasures in life were serving the moistest cake possible to her family and having dishes she could see herself in. The Happy Homemaker was not Jewish. The stereotype she represented was antithetical to the idealized Jewish vision of womanhood, portrayed as early as in King Solomon’s time in his poem “A Woman of Valor.” There we see qualities such as wisdom, courage, creativity, business acumen, and the profound insight to recognize how to relate to individuals according to their specific needs. Nowhere is “lovin’” spoken of as synonymous with “something from the oven.” Women’s contributions to society have always been far more than physical. The tragedy is that this obvious fact has too often gone unrecognized. This is not to say that physical nurture is not a very real expression of caring. However, it is only one part of a complex mosaic of personal feminine self-expression. It is a gross distortion to equate this part with the whole. The Happy Homemaker was not the first woman to idealize nurture and feminine self-actualization in such limited terms. But before her time, the practical exigencies of life gave household jobs greater meaning. In pre-industrial society, women were valued—and valued themselves—for their irreplaceable contributions to the functioning of the home. While many women would have undoubtedly welcomed the opportunity to be freed from some of the tedium involved (as would have men from the tedium of their jobs), they felt the importance of their role if for no other reason than the absence of machines which could perform the same tasks. The desire to contribute something of true value still burned in the hearts and minds of many women. The technological liberation of the homemaker (i.e. gas and electric stoves, washing machines, ready-made clothes, prepared food, etc.) left women asking, “What do I do with my life now?” and the answer came back from Madison Avenue: “Bake another cake.” The Happy Homemaker arrived on the scene as the role-model woman who continued to glow with fulfillment while totally immersing herself in the dwindling and increasingly meaningless domestic chores that remained to be done. The inevitable result of this was the erosion of whatever status had hitherto been ascribed to traditional feminine roles. After all, no one could be fooled for long—how important was that cake? Not unpredictably, the Happy Homemaker’s baking lost its taste after one generation. In the wake of her demise, a new woman was born seeking gratification that could not be found in even the flakiest pie crust. And thus began the wholesale abandonment of homemaking and even motherhood in favor of occupations outside of the home, which imparted the sense that one was doing something worthwhile.

FROM FEMINISM TO CAREERISM TO MASCULISM

“Feminism,” as quickly as it gained momentum, lost its calling as a movement to promote women’s rights to total self-actualization, and instead rapidly atrophied into “careerism.” What we are left with today is a situation in which, more than ever, women’s spiritual contributions to home, family, and others are unrecognized, not only by men, but, more painfully, by women themselves. An incident revealing disdain for traditional female roles occurred to me personally. Several years ago, the Israeli census taker came to our home. For various reasons I chose not to participate. My children were in school, and the census taker, a woman, found me sitting at the dining room table surrounded by books, looking very professorial. I took time to discuss with her, in Hebrew, my philosophical stance, over a cup of coffee. She was very interested, and left at least respecting my intellectual clarity about my position. Now, the law requires that anyone refusing to take part in the census must be visited again, so a few weeks later she reappeared. In the meantime, of course, she had interviewed hundreds of people, so she did not recognize me from our previous discussion. This time she saw the Friday morning me. I was surrounded by small children and elbow-deep in challah dough. Surmising my intellectual capacity with a cursory glance at the scene, she pointed at the paper she held and speaking slowly and clearly in beginner’s Hebrew said, “This—is—a—census. A—census—is—when—we—count—people. We—want—to—count—ALL—the- people. Sign—this.” To her, being a mother and housewife excluded any possibility of my being an intelligent human being. The discrediting of women in their traditional roles has lead inevitably to a prejudice against womanhood and in favor of manhood which extends across the board. In the end, many of us have succumbed to the pervasive bias that, simply put, anything men have, do, or are is de facto better and more desirable than what women have, do, or are. Shockingly few of us even pause to question this assumption. Thus, mainstream feminism should really be called, “masculism,” because it glorifies everything that pertains to men and seeks to appropriate it for women. A good example of this glorification of what pertains to men without questioning its value, either for men or for women, is the “feminine cigarette.” When Virginia Slims launched itself at the beginning of the feminist movement, its advertising campaign went something like this: Men have oppressed women by withholding from them the right to smoke, so that women were forced to smoke in secret. Now a woman can prove her liberated status not only by smoking in public, but by smoking specifically feminine cigarettes, made just for her. The question was never asked: But is smoking good for women? Claiming the right to smoke because men had it, is like claiming the right to be a kamikaze pilot as an equal job opportunity. origin: Aish.com Read more...

Ask RM

You know what the most universal thing is? LIFE. Life happens to all of us and it's so rich with learning and growth.

I want to talk with you about what matters to YOU in life. So please, send me your questions. Let's talk about growth and faith, parenting and marriage and whatever else if on our mind.

 

I'll share our dialogue on a blog post, without your name (unless you ask me not to) so everyone can benefit. Feel free to leave a voice note or an email.

 

Let the DMC begin!

Or send me a message with your question!

Drop Me A Note

• Name*
  First
• Email*
• Message*

Read more...

Shabbat

Human existence involves a constant tension between what man is - his values, goals, concepts, visions, self - and the environment in which he lives.  He is affected by everything around him:  How much effort must he exert and how far must he go to earn his livelihood?  What sort of people must he deal with?  Are his neighbors and conditions of life compatible with his own sense of what he is and what he wishes to make of himself?  How much should he learn from his neighbors and how much should he shun their influence?  Man is at the center of an often turbulent, always confusing, set of elements that entice and threaten, convince and reject, submit and rebel. Figuratively this condition is likened to the six directions - east, south, west, north, above, and below - that surround every human being.  These directions symbolize the influences that work on him incessantly.  They are outside of man, not of his essence, but he is never free of them, always surrounded by them.  There is a seventh factor, as well.  It is the placid center of it all - the inner man, who is the object of all the forces, but is not part of them.  The challenge and purpose of life is for man to shape and maintain his inner identity in accordance with the spiritual dictates of his soul, to use outside influences when they can help him achieve his goal, and to repel them when they conflict with God’s will. In the realm of time, this concept is represented by the six days of the week and the Sabbath.  During the six days of creation, God fashioned all the divergent aspects of the universe, from the gravitational forces that hold it together to the furiously speeding forces that tear at every atom and solar system.  From mountain to amoeba, from the most spiritual to the most slothful and voracious, all was created during the six days.  Those creatures represent the infinite variety of forces and values that constantly struggle for control of the universe and of man.  They are symbolized by the six “days” that surround the Sabbath, the “inner self” of creation, for on each day God created new beings; forces and concepts were created, each of them making it harder for man to gain a true perception of the Creator and His will. What is the “inner self” within those external factors?  The Sabbath.  For on the seventh day, God rested and filled the world with holiness, to prove that Creation had not been, could never be, divorced from Him and His holiness.  The reminder returns after every six days of turbulence:  The holiest of days proclaims that in six days God created the untiring mainspring of activity, but on the seventh day, He called a halt to the sprawl of productive labor and reminded man that there is a point, a center, a purpose to it all: for man to remember to utilized the universe to do God’s will and make it a reflection of His glory. *This was taken from the “Overview” of the Artscroll Siddur for Sabbath and Festivals. click here to visit a great site on lighting Shabbat candles

Read more...

Why Are There Ten Commandments?

One of the most commonly voiced criticisms of Judaism is that it pays too much attention to details; that it is obsessed with hairsplitting and legalities. An initial look at Jewish law appears to justify this claim. The Torah comprises 613 commandments, divided into 365 prohibitions and 248 obligations, with hundreds of rabbinical decrees and customs that govern every aspect of life. There are volumes upon volumes of detailed guidelines specifying how one should dress, eat, work and even talk. Of course, no individual Jew is obligated to fulfill all the commandments — unless that Jew is both male and female; single, married and divorced; Kohen, Levi and Israelite. All simultaneously. This intricate structure can definitely give one the impression that the Torah is overly legalistic and that it places excessive demands on human beings without leaving them enough freedom to relax and enjoy life. Judaism’s seeming obsession with laws and technicalities also makes one wonder about the point of it all. How does not eating lobster make one a better person? Why would lighting Shabbat candles bring one closer to God? In order to comprehend why Jews have tenaciously adhered to this way of life for close to 3,500 years, we must gain a better understanding of the purpose of the commandments, called in Hebrew mitzvot (singular, mitzvah). Being Like God We believe that our primary obligation as beings created “in the image of God” (Genesis 1:27) is to imitate God and to “walk in His ways” (Deut. 28:9). What does this mean? The Sages defined the goal this way: Just as He is merciful and kind, so you should be merciful and kind. Just as He clothed the naked, so should you; as He visited the sick, so should you; as He comforted the mourners, so should you; as He buried the dead, so should you. (Talmud - Sotah 14a; Jerusalem Talmud - Peah 3:1) Each of the above statements refers to an instance in the Bible in which God demonstrated these qualities. The Sages are indicating that just as a parent teaches a child by doing rather than by preaching, God intentionally incorporated these instances into the Bible to teach us the behavior He expects of us. Although Maimonides lists the obligation of “walking in God’s ways” as just one of the 613 commandments, it is also understood in the general sense as an underlying rationale for every one of the commandments. In order to have a complete relationship with God it is necessary that we be as “Godlike” as possible. We must develop a similar intellectual framework, inculcating in ourselves the attributes of God, and act as He acts. Imitating the Creator is not an easy task and it is not always obvious what “being good” really entails in a given situation. You may want to extend help to a needy person, but what is the best form for this kindness to take? Should you give him money, a loan, or a job? Should you give a large sum to one person, or small sums to many? How much of your own income is it appropriate to give? To address these complexities, God provided us with the ultimate guide to becoming like Him — the 613 commandments with all their attendant details. Human Refinement Judaism accepts as axiomatic that neither the human being nor the world in which he lives is perfect. Rather, just as this world is incomplete and designed to be perfected, the human being is also designed to strive for perfection. The Midrash (Tanchuma, Tazria 5) recounts a discussion concerning this idea between Rabbi Akiva and the Roman official Turnus Rufus: Turnus Rufus asked Rabbi Akiva, “What is better, the deeds of God or the deeds of man? If you say the deeds of man are better, then you are a heretic! If you say the deeds of God are better, then why do you circumcise your children? If God wanted them circumcised, why are they not born without a foreskin?”

Which is better – raw wheat or cake?

Instead of answering directly, Rabbi Akiva showed Turnus Rufus a stalk of wheat and a piece of cake and asked him, “Which do you think is better? The deeds of God (the inedible, raw stalk of wheat) or the deeds of man (the delicious cake)?” The Roman was forced to admit that the deeds of man were better. Rabbi Akiva demonstrated to Turnus Rufus that just as the wheat is inedible until it goes through many steps of refinement and is turned into bread or cake, the human being also needs refinement and perfection physically, morally and spiritually. The purpose of the commandments is to refine the human being and bring him closer and closer to perfection. Several ideas related to this process are expressed in a seemingly simple verse in Proverbs (30:5): “All the commandments of God are tzerufah(refined).” The Midrash explains that the purpose of the commandments is the process called tziruf. (Midrash Rabbah, Genesis 44:1) The Hebrew word tzerufah (from which tziruf derives grammatically) bears two opposing explanations. Depending on the context, the word can mean smelted, as in the method employed to separate the ore from metal through the application of heat. Alternatively, it can mean joining, as in soldering, where heat is used to join metals. In the present verse, these two explanations are to be taken metaphorically: i.e., God’s commandments represent the source of heat, and the person represents the metal. Just as heat burns away waste matter, God gave us 365 prohibitions (“thou shalt not”s) to help eliminate the negative character traits contained within a person. And just as heat has the power to merge metals together, God gave us 248 obligations (“thou shalt”s) to consolidate positive traits and to connect human beings to a higher level of consciousness. That humans need refinement is not a novel concept. Look at any infant: Is he or she a finished product? In our society, children receive 13 years of schooling before they are expected to contend with the challenges of life. Judaism believes that learning how to perfect oneself (and how to perfect the world) takes even longer — an entire lifetime of training. All of us know adults who have yet to make the transition from infancy to adulthood. Their actions are governed by the instincts of a newborn baby. If they think that an object or a position or a title belongs to them, then by definition it must be theirs, and they will stop at nothing to obtain it. This adult code of behavior, “The Infant Rules of Ownership,” is employed liberally at every level of our society. When a small child wakes up in the early hours of the morning feeling thirsty, he cannot see beyond his basic human instincts, which tell him, “Thirsty — water — drink!” He does not think of his exhausted parents dragging themselves out of a deep sleep in order to bring him a cup of water (without which he could survive for a few hours). Compassion and consideration for others is not a built-in human instinct — it has to be learned and internalized. And like any other complex skill, the only way to master it is through intense training and self-conditioning. But where can a person take a course on compassion? This is where the mitzvot of the Torah come in — they are God-given tools for refinement. Prohibitions enable people to identify their negative instincts and distance themselves from them, while obligations help channel their positive instincts toward becoming better people. Consciousness versus Instinct Another purpose of the mitzvot is to educate people to act consciously, rather than going through their lives on automatic pilot. God wants thinking beings to serve Him, not mindless robots. This is one explanation of what appears to be a strange statement by Rabbi Shimon ben Gamliel: A person should not say, “I do not like meat and milk mixtures...” Rather, he should say, “I would like them, but what can I do? My Father in Heaven has decreed upon me not to partake of them.” The Talmud (Chullin 109b) explains that Jews refrain from eating pork or meat and milk mixtures, not because they find such dishes offensive or unpalatable, but rather because God forbade them to partake of such foods. The Talmud suggests that a Jew should think, “Pork probably tastes excellent; however God has forbidden me to partake of it.” The first time I read the Dr. Seuss book Green Eggs and Ham to one of my children, he or she always asks, “Abba, what is ham?” (For some reason, the child’s mind is not bothered by green eggs; the school cafeteria probably plays a role in this.) I answer that ham is the meat of a pig. Their response is usually, “Uggh, yuck!” At this point I tell them that ham probably tastes very good and that billions of people eat it all the time. I try to emphasize that the reason we do not eat it is not due to its “bad” taste, but because God forbade us to. I believe that Rabbi Shimon ben Gamliel would approve of my response. We could condition our children to be repelled by ham (yuck, gross!) but then we would merely have kosher robots, or mitzvah machines. This is far from the Torah ideal, which is for thinkers who make decisions about what to do or not to do based on moral commitments, not gut feelings. The commandments are designed to develop people’s ability to serve God consciously, encouraging us not to rely on instinct, but to exercise our power of free will. Revelation I once met a student in California whose major in college was “Revelation.” The goal of such a degree was a mystery to me, as was the curriculum. After speaking with the student about the course, it still remained a mystery. I mentally filed it with a long list of useless college courses, like “Empowering Women With Eating Disorders Through Fairy Tales and Native American Dance Movement Therapy.” The founder of the Chassidic movement, the Baal Shem Tov, used to say that one has an obligation to learn from everything and everyone, so I tried to learn something from this encounter. After some consideration, it occurred to me that in reality, every Jew is majoring in revelation — our goal is to reveal the presence of God in this world of concealment. The process of revelation is indeed a primary aim of the commandments. On a mystical level, when we fulfill these commandments we reveal the attributes and presence of God in every aspect of space and time. For example, by doing an altruistic deed, we introduce into the world an aspect of God’s image that was previously concealed: I.e., when a person gives selflessly to another, he is demonstrating that he has a soul (that imitates its Creator), and he is not merely a physical being concerned with his own survival. Upon encountering a truly righteous individual, one recognizes that this person is not merely a “naked ape,” but a being created “in the image of God.”

The table is not an eating trough, but a vehicle for holiness.

Similarly, when we use a physical object to perform a mitzvah, we reveal the concealed spark of Godliness that is contained in that object. When a tree is used to produce paper for a book that inspires someone to reach for higher spiritual and moral levels, the ultimate purpose of that tree — its “spark of Godliness” — becomes obvious to us. When a dining-room table is used as a place for hospitality, kindness and words of Torah, the “spark of Godliness” in that table has become more obvious. It is no longer merely a utensil for eating — a type of trough — rather it is a vehicle for holiness. Sometimes, by showing that everything in creation has a common goal and purpose in its existence we can reveal the idea that this unified, harmonious whole was created by a unified Being. Thus, every mitzvah that a person performs reveals another facet of God’s existence and introduces it into the human plane of consciousness. Conversely, if a person acts in a selfish, hedonistic manner, blindly following his baser instincts, his behavior conceals the image of God and emphasizes the animal component of the human. One contemporary American politician is known by the nickname “The Body.” This person, to my surprise, was actually elected governor of a state, despite the fact that the qualities of a leader would probably be better found in someone whose nickname were “The Brain,” “The Soul,” or “The Heart,” rather than “The Body.” Our obligation in life is to act in such a way that we deserve to be nicknamed “The Soul,” not merely “The Body.” The principal way in which we emphasize the spiritual component of humanity, time and space is by fulfilling the commandments. Through the mitzvot we engage in the process of revelation, of uncovering elements of Godliness in the world and the image of God within ourselves. The Final Score In summary, then, the purposes of the commandments/mitzvot are to:

• Become Godlike: to establish and deepen our relationship with God through imitation of Him.
• Refine humanity by helping people to eliminate their negative traits, strengthen their positive traits and connect them to a higher level of consciousness.
• Train people to act consciously as opposed to instinctively. This conditions us to make conscious decisions and not to go through life on autopilot.
• Reveal the unity, presence and the name of God in every aspect of the physical world — thought, speech, place, time and action.

Click here to order a copy of Gateway to Judaism: The What, How and Why of Jewish Life.   Source: http://www.aish.com/jl/m/pm/Why_Are_There_Commandments.html By Rabbi Mordechai Becher Excerpted from Gateway to Judaism: The What, How and Why of Jewish Life. Read more...