Touch - and It's Magic

    This post is about an extraordinary night. If this happened all the time I wouldn't be writing about it. Like you, I'm generally in 6 places at once with barely enough time for basic life tasks. Please don't get the wrong idea - I'm not mom of the year - I'm just really grateful. There are no pictures in this post. No pictures because what I'm sharing is such a sacred private moment with my children that I almost can't bear to write about it. Yet here I am. I share this night with you - not to externalize a special moment, but to bring it into your consciousness, and maybe even into your homes. I was out tonight until past ten o'clock. When I got home four of the kids were still up. My high schooler was stressed out, the others were okay but they hadn't seen me all day and were feeling  it. We were talking, and I looked at my daughter and the exhaustion  in her eyes. Then from the  heavens  some words came out of my mouth. "You know what you need? You need a mud mask." "A mud mask?" She'd never had one. "I want one!" "Me too!" "Ok, go lay down on the couch..." I turned out the lights. "Levi, put on some spa music." And we began. After a minute of quiet, the kids started laughing and jostling. I sent them out. My throat clenched. Couldn't this just be a beautiful moment? I tried  to see their laughter as beautiful, but I knew my daughter needed the quiet. In a moment for which I'm forever grateful , I put away the words "If you're not quiet, you won't get a turn." And pulled out a grin so wide, I felt like a nursery school teacher; "Kids, lets give her a really special time!" I whispered. "Everybody out, and I'll call you in when it's your turn. And so we began - again.  One by one, I called the kids in, painted Ahava mud creme on their faces and had them lay very still as it dried. The cream was old, the music was from youtube - but it was all perfect. After I finished with their faces I gave the girls a henna tattoo, and the others hand and foot massages. One by one, they fell asleep. One by one, I fell in love again. One by one, I reclaimed the gift of touch. My child with depression had tears  twinkling in her eyes. Her emotions run deep and the touch set them free. Afterwards, I brought in a bowl of warm water and washed each of their faces. They stayed mostly asleep - eyes flickering open for a quick thank you. Bringing the washcloth over their faces was like taking care of a newborn for the first time. How long has it been since I've done that? Really tended to them? These kids are not babies, they're 11,12, 14 and 16. They can do things themselves. And yet, sometimes we all need a little more. Watching them sleep, they looked to me less like children, and more like weary warriors. They don't have the kind of carefree life that childhood once evoked. Never have mud- smeared faces looked so angelic. As with all giving, I know that as much as they got out of it I got more. They restored my spirit.                                                                                                             This post is not just about children and touch. Not long ago we had a girls night at WOW and I gave some girls henna tattoos while the guitar played. I love all my WOW girls, but  in those moments, when I painted henna on their arms, I grew to love them deeply. We bonded beyond words. We need touch. Healthy, nurturing, non sexual touch. Touch that reminds us that we are a treasure. When I was growing up, my grandfather would come with his gentle, strong hands and give me a  shoulder rub  while I sat waiting for the challah at the Shabbos table. So small a thing, and I only saw him twice a year, yet I can still feel his hands today. Men need touch too. In our synagogue, and in some parts of our community, men give a quick - or sometimes not quick hug in greeting. It's healthy, not weird. And a  shoulder rub never goes out of style. Married couples need it too. In a way that sets up no expectations for anything more. We're all  weary warriors in our own way. Try it, and watch what happens.                     Read more...

Neshama Learns about Hope

    Our eight year old Neshama is an angel. She's playful, spiritual, insightful and a tomboy. She's also dyslexic. This year has been beyond hard for her. Being left back in first grade means that the kids in her class are a year younger than her.  That's hard. and even with that reading hasn't gotten much easier for her. She has three weekly tutors (thank G-d they are all through special services!) [yay Jen Kaplan!] and she is still struggling. Midway though the year she began to get depressed. She would sneak away from the class, wander the hallways. For a good part of the school year she cried herself to sleep. When she would get really down she would cry in fits - "I only want to be in Israel!" Israel is the spiritual home of a Jew and the feeling that you get when you're there is peace and connectness in a way you can't get anywhere else. Even those who haven't been there,  know this. She would get mad at me and I would say to her, "Neshama, I can't help you. I want you to go to Israel so badly, but it's not something that I can make happen. Ask the  One who can." Again and again I told her and again and again she cried and prayed. Towards the end of the school year, she came home one day furious and miserable. She said "There was a raffle every single week this year. And two kids were chosen each week. The WHOLE year I never got picked. the whole year! And it's not fair. Other kids just got picked by luck but I davened (prayed) all the time that I would win and I didn't. She was miserable for hours. She wisely said "It doesn't matter what present you buy me. When you win the raffle, the whole class cheers and it's very special."   My heart broke for her. I am 100000% against raffles. Every winner means 30 losers. I had nothing to say. I simply said, "Sweetheart, the tefilloes (prayers) that you said still went somewhere. Every single one. And Hashem (G-d ) has a plan. You wanted to win the raffle. But He wants you to have something even better." I wasn't able to comfort her.  Parenting often means that you say things that  kids  don't understand  until they are twenty. But you've got to say them. One week later her prayers were answered. Just look at the video and see what happened!!!  And you heard her - she learned the lesson there is always hope!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7CVBMMAcA8k   Meanwhile we have worked for a good part of the year to get her into an amazing school for Dyslexia. She got educational testing and psychological testing. We visited the school , we set up appointments and we just got word back that they have no room. They are fuller than ever. It's so easy to give up hope. How will this little girl go to school? How will she learn how to read? So now it's our turn, to pray and to hope and to believe that miracles are possible and to learn from this little lady to never lose hope. Read more...

Camping Trip Pics and Update

On our way!!!

  Hi everyone, THANK YOU for the seriously excellent insightful comments  on my last post. Writing it out and sharing the process with you put me in such a great frame of mind on this trip. It was one of the best vacations of my life. Processing all the weirdness before I ever got n the trip meant that it didn't have to come up almost at all while I was there. I enjoyed everyone so much and I took plenty of time to be by myself whenever I wanted to.

Minky and her cousin Aliza

We've always camped in tents before. Now, we're totally converted to cabins. It was such a pleasure to have a bed to go back to at night and for each family to have a space to take care of their kids. It was great to have a refrigerator and a table and some shelves. It felt more manageable and less physically taxing leaving us plenty of energy to swim, hike, play ping pong and basketball and make fires with the kids.

Our BBQ dinners

Mortzy and Hadassa

One night I wrote in the kid's notebook - I have one for each of them that I've been writing in - along with photos since they were born. I used to write every few months, now I get to all of them about once a year so that felt really good. The last day of the trip we had each of us, including the kids get up at lunch and speak about their favorite part of the trip as well as saying a specific thank you. It was a great way to cap off the trip and contain the moment.     One night I walked with  my daughter and my niece to the darkest most remote area so we could lay down and look at the stars  - until we got freaked out by the sheer blackness of the night.

The cousins!

We saw raccoons and deer and snakes and frogs and fish and chipmunks and got our water from the pump and hung our clothes on the line and swam and boated and fished and ate.

Yehuda Moshe and Gavriel in the sand

        I bless each and every one of you that you should have the opportunity to get away and rejuvenate like this. No emails, no phone calls, just you and the trees and the people you love.     Being on vacation was a paradoxical experience. We were acutely aware that our brothers in Israel are in a dangerous war and that as we sat there young men's lives were at stake.

Afternoon Davening (prayers)

We prayed for Israel's well being and said the names of the injured soldiers together in our prayers at dinner. The days were full of laughter and conversation but in the quiet moments we could feel the dual realities playing out and we hoped that our time together would find favor in G-d's eyes. After all, the greatest thing is Shalom, peace. Having a  family getting along and making time for one another gives G-d tremendous pleasure.

Batya and Shifra

The truth is that out in the woods we didn't feel the war. We lived in blissful ignorance to a degree. And as I sat there fantasizing about moving out of the city and into the peaceful woods I realized that I couldn't. I was so peaceful there - but being peaceful is not the reason we're put on this earth. We're here to reveal our true essence through giving.

Our view as we drove home.

It was an AHA moment for me. You see, every time we used to  pass farmland I used to feel Oh shucks, I want that alternate reality. I feel trapped in community life because I don't have that peace and quiet and wholesomeness that I know I would love. Now I realize that yes, I would love it and  can have it occasionally , but there's a reason that Jewish life is built around community, not isolation. We need to be involved with the world. In my cabin fantasy I'm having a lovely time but I'm limited in who I can give to. I'm mostly just taking care of myself. I want to visit there (a lot!!) but I don't want to build a life there.

Bezalel and I watching the kids in the water.

Anyway, it's great to be back - I'll be posting another post back to back with this one - its unrelated actually about henna - but its one I've been meaning to post for a while so keep your eye out for it. all the best, Rivka Malka         Read more...

The Third Alternative

The  Third Alternative is an alternate universe that is waiting for us to visit her. It's a place of arriving, a place of surrendering control and being open, not only to possibilities, but to the possibility that there are so many possibilities you haven't even begun to fathom. They say, "You teach what you need to learn." The first half of this year I was learning about boundaries. I had made so many mistakes over the years that it took a giant wake up call for me to see how  offtrack I was. (You can see the video here.) I found that as soon as I was ready to learn the chances to practice the lesson were everywhere. I learned how to say no from a place of clarity. there are healthy limits that are needed to sustain a good spiritual and physical health. It's actually been pretty humbling. Now that I'm more honest about what I can and can't do, I realize that there's a lot that I can't do, without paying the price. So that was "Boundaries 101." And now, onto the next class, "Confrontation 101." If you watch the video you'll see notice that it's actually the opposite of classic confrontation where you blast the other party with your feelings.  A better name for this life lesson is "Harmony 101." and I am so grateful that I am learning it, day by day. You can see the book on Amazon here. I got mine from the library:) Read more...